Now that I’m older and my dreams a little more dead, I realize the importance of being outside. I think about how the relationship I have with my mom is changing, and how I put undue pressure on myself–I’m not sure about what or why. Sometimes it feels like I’m blind, but internally–you know, they way you can never roll your eyes to the back of your head. It’s impossible to look inward because we were built that way from the beginning.

So again, I’m realizing the importance of being outside. Unfortunately no one’s in my head but me, and right now, there’s no one in my room but me. But maybe if I went outside there’d be more people, and I’d know what to do. 

Not that there’s anything I need to do. I need to pay my speeding ticket and take my online defensive driving class, sure. And maybe work because the consequence of that is not having money and the consequence of that is being stressed. But again I’m in here, not out there. That stuff only matters in a distant way, an intangible way that I cannot touch.

That’s all for now.

This is the truth. Why am I still hiding? This is the release. Yes, this is the diary. This is where my thoughts go. My mom feels more like my friend lately than she does my mom. I guess that’s what growing up is. 

Have I not felt like myself in a while? That is most definitely true. A feel of stasis. Static inertia. An object standing still will continue to stand there unless acted upon by an outside force.

Where is my outside force. All I have is inner force–nonexistent, and noneffective.

I don’t like the feelings I’ve been having lately. I’m stuck.  I hope it’s mud and not quicksand, and I hope it doesn’t drown me.