So long aphasia and the ways it kept me hiding

It’s 5:40 AM. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. I got taken off the schedule at work–something I knew had to happen but nonetheless made the bottom of my stomach drop out, like some sort of prolapse that has only been getting worse over the past few days. Not going to mention the time I thought my vagina was prolapsing because I yanked out my menstrual cup without breaking the suction first, but by way of stating I won’t mention it, I very obviously wanted to. This is like that–but a kind of emotional prolapse.

I feel the need to absolve myself. In my own eyes and the eyes of others, but I guess I need to start with myself first. I cannot prevent other people from thinking bad thoughts about me. But the thoughts that invade my brain–like “am I fundamentally a bad person?”–have made me realize that maybe I was too sure of my own sanctification before this point. I never assumed I would need to absolve myself of anything. In short, I had an ego. One built maybe of assumedly moral integrity, or just being justified in my decisions.

In the process of the past few days–sleepless nights, increasing ostracization–I think I’ve been able to empathize more. No more than a few days ago I think I was more judgmental of people, though I probably wouldn’t say it to their face. Now I get it. 

The foot-in-the-door phenomenon that was this situation–I resent ever calling it a relationship, because it fundamentally was not that–led me down a path where the stakes kept getting higher the longer I stayed in it, but I saw no clear way out that didn’t lead me to be reeled back in–by my own doing or by that of the other party. (Sidenote: I’m not even sure how vague I need to be. How vulnerable is too vulnerable on the Internet?)

In the end, I did the “right” thing (How much do motives matter?), but I still feel like shit.

I also understand the desire, now, to just go out and drown your sorrows. I get it. It makes you feel better. 

I will make something out of this. This is not who I wanted to become–an insecure little thing afraid of setting boundaries and asking questions. Less scared of having important conversations. I need to give it time.

I feel in some way you have to test your own moral boundaries in order to solidify them. To find out why they’re there. Maybe testing your own morals in real life isn’t the best way to do them–maybe just questioning them is enough, but regardless, most people learn best through lived experience.

I’m not sure how much more self-reflection I’ll have to do before I absolve my own self of my wrongdoings, but it’s going to take longer than this.

I thought “History Will Absolve Me” was just the name of a billy woods album, but it’s a speech by Fidel Castro. I need to become more knowledgeable.

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