(4/1/2022)

If you ever heard me pining after a man I was desperately obsessed with sometime in the past eight months, know that I figured out he’s a manipulative narcissist with no respect for the feelings of a woman who also, tragically, happens to look like a Calvin Klein model. It’s concerning how someone can play so well at being the most empathetic, generous and affectionate individual you know and then you blink or do a cartwheel or something and it turns out they were in an on-and-off relationship with a girl you knew nothing about and although technically he probably never cheated, you would’ve never agreed to be this man’s sidepiece had you known you were a sidepiece and that he was emotionally abusing this girl and leaching off her (real) empathetic nature.

Oh and then when you find out that he’s probably still talking to this girl (who you only found out about last month and had been kinda sorta stalking since) and you DM her on Instagram and find out they’d been talking since last May and he’s been trying to get back together with her (desperately) and then well you reveal the information that he had texted you last night asking you to come over (all the while telling this girl he misses her and only wants her), well you and this girl decide to show up at his house on Saturday morning to confront him. And when you get there his mom comes out and asks well who are you and the other girl (the Main Chick, which reminds you of this chicken truck called Main Chick in Houston that was near your apartment a year ago) tells her that you are the “other” and his mom, far from being defensive or even confused, really, says “oh, yeah, he’s an asshole, just like his father. He needs this, go ahead.” So you and the Main Chick go out on the porch and wait. And the guy comes out with his own fucking folding chair and you are reaaally bad at getting angry so the Main Chick talks mostly and the guy doesn’t say much and you’re pretty sure if you weren’t there he would yell at her, because that’s what she says he would do when they (he) would get in arguments. And narcissists don’t like to show their true colors to everyone.

Oh and then you text her a day later and ask if he had reached out and it turns out they’re back together again. Well c’est la vie I guess? That’s the nature of the cycle of narcissistic abuse. I guess every individual and their relationship is different and I don’t blame her because I think I would also go back. 

I was talking to this witch-lady-curandera in the Barnes and Noble the day before yesterday, and she told me about how we’re in a solar year and all the planets are aligning and this hasn’t happened since like 1776 and it’s gonna be a bad year for the world. The lies that we’ve been fed, the facade we were all duped into believing is beginning to crack. And April is going to be a bad month, especially before…the full moon? Something like that. And personally, as an Aries born on March 31st, I should try to keep my mouth shut and not disagree with anyone between April 2nd and April 7th.

She also told me I’m a born manifester because I was born on March 31st. She’s an Aries too, but born on April 2nd. She says she wished she was born on March 31st. She also asked me if I have control of my brain, or if my brain has control of me. And then she told me if I’m committed to whatever I’m doing and to controlling my brain or whatever I will be on top of the world in ten years. I mean I trust her in a weird way. Maybe not the grandiosity of it, but there’s that little bit of hope in me that will always seek synchronicity and signs in the universe even when they’re not there, and even if it’s a false hope, it’s real and meaningful to me.

Anyway, she also told me how she doesn’t know what love is. How she’s a grandma and been married twice and divorced twice and she still doesn’t know what love is. She told me that even if I think I love someone, or I do love them or whatever, whatever love is, they need to let me be. If they don’t let me be, I need to leave them. She also told me a lot of other stuff concerning numerology and meditating on the numbers I see a lot (it was 11:11 a lot in February, 11:12 occasionally now) and things concerning the moon and whatnot, but I’m having trouble remembering all of it now. She said this time in our lives would bring new beginnings, for her and for me. Maybe this chapter in my life is finally over and I’m starting a new one. Or maybe life has no chapters. One end always bleeds into the next beginning.

Anyway, the tarot lady I went to in New Braunfels with Mo also told me some things, like to stay away from Mexican men with tattoos named Anthony/Antonio. At the beginning we were supposed to ask a question for the reading to focus around and so I asked about my love life, and she said not to think about that right now but instead to focus on my career. She told me I hadn’t met my soulmate yet but that I’d meet someone in July 2023. She also said she saw business in my future and that I’d be working with high end people and I would be very very financially stable. She also said people come to me for help but I have trouble going to other people for help and hide my own emotions. She said I hadn’t felt like myself in over a year. However, she also said some random things that made no sense at the time, like stuff concerning alcohol and a medical career and divorce and abortion.

And also me and my friend Home Depot (the one I went to a strip club with where there was a stripper drinking Capri Suns in the back) tracked down Shelley Duvall. We were talking about pirating movies at work and when he started talking about Shelley Duvall, the girl waiting in line for merch behind us turned around and said, Y’all talking about Shelley Duvall? I didn’t know everybody knew who Shelley Duvall was. How do people know this random stuff? I swear there’s this cultural hive brain that I just didn’t get to tap into, like a maple tree where all the knowledge of the world is held.

That’s what Home Depot told me, because he used to work at the Dairy Queen in Blanco, Texas, where Shelley Duvall lives. So he would take her order sometimes. He also told me Shelley Duvall is also kind of crazy. From filming The Shining. So I did some research on Shelley Duvall and well I didn’t really expect to find her but we did, and she gave me a lucky penny. 

Shelley Duvall told me not to wear black nail polish. Something about it being dangerous. She told me to buy her Mexican wedding dresses. She was really sweet. 

My life is a series of jumping into traps headfirst forgetting they’re traps and emerging eight months later being like fuck i was in a trap.

I guess I’m supposed to focus on myself and my career for now, be really self-indulgent or something.