(12/10/21)

I’m still throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall, to see what sticks. A habit will always beat an idea. I told myself I would journal every day for the month of December. I’m not sure what else I want to say about it except that I’m doing it. I guess it’s mostly for present-me, to clear her head, but it’s also a record for future me in case she wants to know what I was thinking about on a certain day in the past. It’s kind of nice. You see the uncertainty of the future translate into certainty when certain days come to pass. You get to see your distant-past self get answers from your near-past self, and I think that’s neat. You live life for yourself–everything you do is inherently for you, but it’s also for everybody else. Once you figure out it’s you that pumps the blood through your veins, you’ll also figure out that it’s you that shines the stars is what Alan Watts said and also something I’ve quoted before. It feels weird when you have a lot to talk about but you’re not ready to share it. Do you just force yourself to? Is that a bad idea? 

I’ve had HPPD (hallucination perception persisting disorder) for around two months now, and a couple of days ago I had probably my worst flare-up. There were fractals everywhere. On every surface. When I woke up the morning after, everything from the day before felt like it had been a dream. It honestly felt like someone slipped shrooms into my food, which I’m pretty sure didn’t happen but is also an irrational fear I have now, because once I ate a piece of shroom at night and woke up because they had kicked in like five hours after I had eaten them. I really liked my fractal friends at first but now they can be a bit annoying. It used to only really affect me when it was dim outside or I was tired or I had too much coffee; I guess my brain has difficulty filtering out unnecessary information at those times. Or for a few weeks after I took half an edible, it got a lot worse. Weed and coffee seem to make it worse, and alcohol seems to make it better. Today I’m feeling a lot better and I haven’t noticed it at all. 

Okay, I’m done with this blog post. I’m just trying to make a habit of writing and not put too many great expectations on myself.