I’m trying to break a curse. I’m not sure if it’s generational, or self-inflicted, or picked up from somewhere, but I assume it’s all three. It’s a three-pronged menace and I feel as if I’ve been cracking it apart, taking it down one cipher at a time, but it’s still here.

I started going to therapy. I’m only one session in. The fear of fearing my therapist’s judgment is stopping me from doing nearly anything. 

I wonder if it’s me—if I was the bad one. If I’m wrong. Or if he’s the bad one. Honestly, we’re both bad, but who’s worse? 

I can’t let go of people. I think it’s been a necessary survival tactic. Something I’ve learned, to forgive endlessly, from my mom. From the relationship I grew up watching and emulating—abusive, loving, endless forgiving.

No good relationship modeled for me as a child.

And so I talked to Eyelash.

Well, I’ve never had good taste in men. Never ever. They’re all the same archetype, basically. Hoey. I don’t know what it stems from. Insecurity? Maybe it’s like a line of dominoes, each semi-relationship or real one, one of the pieces, and I’ve yet to reach the end of the line. They’ve yet all fallen. 

I’ve been thinking to myself that I’ve been in a rut lately. 

Have I reached the end of the karmic circle? I just know that everything’s become a sort of hellscape lately, personally. All the honey is poisoned. 

life folds the little fortune teller in front of you, and you get four choices. then four more. and even though you chose four times four, the sixteen possibilities reduce down to four again and the possibilities of life narrow, though you didn’t know they were narrowed. they were always like that, from the beginning. you just didn’t know it. so you take the breadth of your experience and you do the thing you were supposed to do. 

and life puts it back in her pocket because the teacher turned around and saw her, and she’s supposed to be doing times tables, the sevens. 

We saw a garbage truck drive by. It had the dumbest quote on the back. Do what is right, not what is easy. My therapist said short term pain, long term gain.

But seeing all that struck me somewhere, and I can’t find the fucking arrow to pull it out. I think it splintered into pieces, and by the time it takes me to pull them all out, I’m not sure I won’t get caught in that trap again.