And pour out the gasoline

So I made a mistake by not telling my boyfriend I had herpes when we first met. Granted, I had basically forgotten about it and granted, I was pretty sure from all my reddit research that the herpes I got on my genitalia via someone else’s saliva (HSV-1) can’t really be transmitted to anybody else via my genitals to theirs or my genitals to their mouth–but still, I was stupid. Stupid and selfish.

Anyway I had a herpetic breakout so I brought it up casually (maybe this wasn’t the right way to bring it up) to let him know (as he should’ve known all along) and he was (rightfully) upset about it.

Also as a side note, me typing all this out reminds me of that Disney channel original called Read It and Weep, about that girl whose diary became a bestseller and all her friends got upset about it because they felt exposed. Just a small thought.

Anyway, all that doesn’t really matter that more at the moment because today I found out he’s been doing coke behind my back and lying about it, and when I pressed him on it he continued to lie about it until he finally told me that (yes) yesterday when he came to my house he had done coke beforehand (this was right before we had a long important conversation about the herpes and trust and all that). I brought this all up because I saw a torn Pokemon card on his table–torn in half, with one half rolled up. As a side note, we had found some Pokemon cards at Target once (unsleeved, just sitting out on a shelf) and took them home with us which is why they were there. I asked him why he rolled it up like that and he said just because.

So I stewed on it for a while as he rearranged the furniture in his apartment and once he sensed something was wrong I just kind of picked it up and started unrolling it and then started prodding him with questions until he admitted to doing molly a couple days beforehand. And also, after I pressed him, to doing coke behind my back several times. He tried to deny it a few times but eventually relented and here we are.

After I dropped him off at work he texted me and we agreed to work on the relationship to reestablish trust. Is this what even feels like? The mutual guilt and deception has left us a ground zero.

Why did I do that? Why did he? He’s been depressed lately. I’ve been having recurring UTIs. 

I’m not sure what a good relationship looks like, but I know what a mutual one does. And as long as we’re mutually bad or good to each other, I think that’s ok. I am far from perfect and occasionally more selfish than I should be. I think most people see me as a kind person, or maybe at least an honest one, and I know I will continually need to be forgiven and to forgive. 

Also, sometimes things work themselves out in very odd ways. Saints are made of sinners, and sinners of saints. Not to get too metaphorical or theoretical or whatever. Is this the duality of man? Whatever. Vice says Mother Theresa was a heartless bitch. And Erykah Badu says she loves Hitler. 

Let’s all just go to bed and wake up tomorrow, or better yet, wake up in the middle of the night and think about all the things we did that haunt us and then actually wake up and go do more of those things, on accident or because of a poorly thought-out plan we made in our heads that underemphasize their respective consequences, and figure out how to move past it and make amends to those we love and grow closer and communicate and all that. And try to understand each other. My cat bites me sometimes but she doesn’t mean it.

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