Just because you feel good doesn’t make you right

I’m not sure where to start today. But I mean honestly, do I ever really know where to start? What is this even about? What am I trying to accomplish here? Like, what is this for, who is this for, and should I really be forcing myself to write? I guess I do it for myself, primarily, because that’s who you’re supposed to do it for.

I saw the movie Blue Velvet directed by David Lynch for the first time yesterday, with my friends at this little art house movie theater on the south side of town.

I’ve been thinking about everyone’s supreme ability to stalk each other lately. I think everyone’s guilty of it, but it’s so embarrassing to talk about the lengths I go to (and I’m sure other people go to? Someone back me up) to stalk people who are not in our lives anymore.

Like:

  1. The fake Instagram account I made to stalk Eyelash and H(former)GF which I use to watch their stories. I know that they can see that random string of numerals that makes up my username and that probably repeatedly shows up on the list of viewers, and they can probably guess who it is, but honestly, I don’t give a fuck!
  2. Stalking Eyelash’s Spotify profile. This is how I figured out that he co-opted the idea of making me a mixtape to make HGF a mixtape shortly after she broke up with him for the first time last December. Then he completely forgot about the promise he made for me–until I reminded him a month later, after which he made another playlist (this time for me) and gave me a mixtape that day. Recently, he made another playlist with the title of HGF’s name. 
  3. LinkedIn is surprisingly helpful for stalking people from college whose whereabouts I’m curious about.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I do remember one time, before I had personally watched Blue Velvet, that I saw Eyelash post Roy Orbison’s song “In Dreams,” on his story, before I knew it featured prominently in the movie. I actually saw the lyrics of the song later that day in one of Ethan’s poems. For a while I thought it was some weird coincidence of cultural awareness, but now some dots are connecting.

Eyelash was making it through a “movie list” at the time which he later admitted to being a list of Frank Ocean’s favorite movies, which I’m assuming he was watching with HGF because she’s a big Frank Ocean fan. On the top of that list, which is sorted alphabetically, is the movie Blue Velvet. So I’m assuming he recently watched that movie with her and that’s why he posted the song. 

None of this matters, really, but it’s how my mind works and putting little bits of historical relationship lore together helps me overcome the burden of ignorance. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just some sort of obsessive urge that will go away with time. I know it will–not completely–does it ever? Do we know anyone who doesn’t ever stalk someone who they used to be close to? But I know it’ll go away a little.

I remember him telling me he’d break up with her, that he just needed some time to figure himself out. So I gave him some time. And now, realizing that he was in fact at least slightly sociopathic, I have also realized that I was being manipulated. 

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