Crocodile Tears for ten years plus, don’t do me no favors

First off I would like to say that I am immensely grateful for all the friends supporting me in my decision to tell Eyelash’s girlfriend that she was cheating on him, with me. For over a year. To the point where he told me he loves me and I said it back. Well, said it back sometimes. One time I said it first. 

Before I go on any further, I would like the record to show that I am the most gullible person I know. My brother’s best friend asked me the other night what my greatest weakness was. We were outside on the porch, all three of us, looking at the rain and pretty much just chilling. I said it was my gullibility. I am really gullible. Example: last week, I fell victim to a scam in which I got a text from someone impersonating the CEO at my work asking me to buy him two five hundred dollar Apple gift cards. Because I do well when given concrete tasks and am incredibly eager to please, I had bought one gift card, given him the code, before my critical thinking skills kicked in and I realized that what I was doing was dumb and that yes, I was being scammed. It actually took me quite a while. I think an hour and six minutes total. I called my bank, Apple service, and local law enforcement, and of course told my boss before I realized what in the world I was doing.

Let me pause here. If this sounds disjointed, it’s because I smoked like two puffs of weed from the one hitter in the living room. I don’t consider myself a regular weed smoker and I’m not sure if I exactly call what I get from its effects enjoyment or altogether positive (I would give it a neutral rating). But it puts me in a different state of mind, and I thought that would be helpful to ease the anxiety I have been getting from the confession and thinking about the future. Everything always reaches a stasis, that’s what Eyelash said. My stasis is full-frontal honesty, which means I’ve been out-of-stasis for the past year. This will fix things, at least for my head. Yeah, I did not like the lying. I thrive on telling people the intimate details of my goings-on with other people, what I’m thinking, and my problems. But the stasis we’re talking about is work, friends, and social life. One thing I’ve set my mind on is this: I may not bartend anymore, but I am not leaving. I will not run away. Let people judge me, let them think bad thoughts about me, like [not sure if she wants me to use an alias or not] said. It’s okay if people think bad thoughts about me. Like his girlfriend is pissed. He’s probably mad at me. One of my best friends from work is not talking to me, because (and she’s right about this) I betrayed her because, when acting with full transparency to HGF (his girlfriend) I slipped up and told her that my work bff knew. She kept is a secret for me the entire time. I appreciate it and I appreciate her being there for me.

And now, I feel the entire world crumbling apart like plate tectonics. A rift is forming–between those who will not hear about this and not like me for it, and those who appreciate my honesty in telling her and think I shouldn’t get total blame because I’m not the guiltiest party here. Eyelash is–and yes, I did choose to continue staying in this thing when I found out he and HGF were exclusive. It got out of hand. I am guilty, one-hundred percent. I feel a lot better now, at least in that respect. I do not like lying to people. I can’t function like this–I wouldn’t want it to happen to me. This is not what I wanted, but I got attached, and like I’ve reviewed: I’m super gullible. I did accidentally join a South Korean cult before. I think the word gullible assumes my brain is not processing information and just accepts conclusions. My gullibility comes from (sort of) my willingness to believe. The shinier option is always the one I go for: maybe this really is my CEO, maybe Jesus is a 98-year-old South Korean man, maybe he does love me. Maybe they’ll break up.

But someone that loves you should not make you miserable. And because he explicitly told me that he would not initiate breaking up with her (though he claimed two months prior that he would), and because their relationship just seemed to be getting deeper and more intense (what with trips to see each others’ families and all that), and because he just left to go play keys for a band touring in England, meaning she would have about sixteen days to process this information without him around, and because I haven’t been on the schedule at work in about three weeks because I was eating during a busy shift and am assuming I have been softly fired, I decided now is the right time. 

In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s trying to get back together with her. She blocked me–called me a fake ass bitch, which I was–and he also blocked me. And I checked his Spotify account, which I’ve stalked before regarding a mixtape situation (not sure I’ve mentioned it before, but I may get into it) to see if anything’s changed and looks like he’s making a playlist for her, titled with her name in all caps.

If they do get back together, I guess good for their devotion, good for me to know that I was never going to be “chosen,” though I’m not sure I would want that (and proving that I have been manipulated quite a bit through this), bad that she’s continuing to stay with him, bad that whatever manipulative tactics he would use worked. 

I ended up in a bad situation. That’s behind me now. My conscience is clear, and I do not mind what people find out. 

There are a few things more that I want to cover. 

First: People are endlessly forgivable I think, and because I am not a perfect person and have made endless mistakes, I find it easier to forgive or empathize with others who have also done not-so-great things. There is great benefit in this, and makes it easier not to judge people. Rules are fluid. To add. Homies. Real homies. Who have been here to hear me vent and talk about it even though what I did was fucked up. I mean Eyelash also plays a part in that but I also agreed to it.

In my head, it was like this: I thought they were gonna break up. Eventually. Once I realized that wasn’t happening, I started telling him he had to be single. And once I recently realized he wasn’t going to break up with her, that’s when the decision came to me.

Anyway, back to describing real homies. It is not a good idea to burn bridges. I’m thinking back to when said best friend called me last week and told me an obviously fabricated lie, and how I was like hmm maybe this is a bad person. Well, sometimes, but also, no. Man’s been going through it, and we’re all a little fucked up sometimes. He answered and consoled me when I called to tell him what I did yesterday. He doesn’t think I’m fucked up for what I did, which I appreciate. So people can be fucked up in the head, like Eyelash. But I think they still deserve you know, friends that are also occasionally fucked in the head, and people to talk to that can tell them when they’re being stupid and all that. I think we can all make each other better, just by being around each other. If that sounded too syrupy and kind of corny, well, it is. People either make each other better, or develop a hivemind where they make their own rules and determine their own practices of morality–which is essentially what this is becoming. I am becoming part of one particular hivemind–a perspective–and despite what people think, morality is not ordained by some substance of this planet that ordains it for us, we develop it ourselves. Rules of morality are different everywhere, and they are run by feelings and how we relate to one another. 

I don’t know what I’ve said thus far or what I just said now, but it may be because I’m running on very little sleep and food and a couple puffs of weed. In any case, whatever radical empathy is, it seems cool. Also, people who have done bad things, I’m thinking, are less judgmental than people who have never done a bad thing in their life. And that’s what this world needs more of I guess, empathy. At least I feel like I have found a reason to extend more empathy to the people I know or have judged in the past.

Jesus Christ, why did I get so saccharine? Maybe I shouldn’t feel like I need to qualify every sentimental statement I make by calling it out for being that. That feels like a barrier to vulnerability. So I retract that, it’s a perfectly normal statement. I’m learning things about how to be a realer homie. 

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